51 Things Twilight Can't Do
by dee87
Summary: Why is Jane banned from Disneyland? Who is Mrs. Poppinschnooker? Why can't Bella play the piano? A funny one-shot about the things Jane can't do. Might seem OOC. Just for laughs. R&R! :D
1. Jane

**A/N: this is just a funny one-shot about the things Jane can't do. it was inspired by a wonderful writer who goes by the pen name FantasyBloomed. She wrote "51 Things Aro Can't Do" and "51 Things Caius Can't Do". Some other awesome stories written by her are "Aro and The Homeless Guy" and "Carlisle vs. House". She and her stories are awesome! check her out! ... not that way you pervs! lol :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not in any way own any of the characters you might recognize.**

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><p>51 Things Jane Can't Do:<p>

1. Jane is not allowed go to McDonalds, order a McFlurry, and then torture the cashier when she does not receive a Big Mac.

2. Jane cannot go to the Apple store and torture the cashier when she does not get a PC.

3. Jane can't torture Marcus just to see his expression change.

4. Jane can't torture Heidi's pet porpoise, Mrs. Poppinschnooker.

5. Jane cannot eat Mrs. Poppinschnooker.

6. Jane can't go within a 1 mile radius of Mrs. Poppinschnooker.

7. Jane cannot torture Heidi for forbidding her to do so.

8. Jane can't sing.

9. Or break dance.

10. Jane can't watch PG-13 movies at the movie theatre because she doesn't look old enough.

11. Jane can't torture the movie ticket clerk for telling her this.

12. Jane is banned from Disneyland.

13. Jane cannot torture Justin Beiber for not having reached puberty yet.

14. Jane can't torture Rebecca Black for singing worse than a cat that got ran over twice through the genitals.

15. Jane is not allowed to torture anyone without a good reason.

16. Boredom is not a good enough excuse.

17. Jane is not allowed to crash Emmett & Rosalie's next wedding.

18. Jane is not allowed to break Alec's video games for making this list.

19. Or his awesome Xbox 360.

20. Or his new Van Halen autographed guitar.

21. Jane cannot harm any of Alec's possessions.

22. This list does not qualify as a good reason to torture Alec.

23. Jane can't ask Alice what she's going to do before she does it until Alice says I don't know.

24. Then, she can't say "Some psychic you are" to annoy Alice even more.

25. And then, she can't torture Alice when she goes crazy and tries to murder Jane.

26. Jane cannot perform in any musicals.

27. Because that would require for her to sing.

28. Jane can't do the running man.

29. Jane is not allowed to gamble in Las Vegas.

30. Because she doesn't look old enough.

31. Jane can't go to a concert and participate in a moshpit.

32. Jane can't convert to Judaism just to have a Bat Mitzvah.

33. Jane can't have a quinceañera.

34. She isn't allowed to play rugby.

35. Or ice hockey.

36. Jane is banned from Canada.

37. Jane cannot have her own fashion line for kids.

38. Jane can't watch season one of The Vampire Diaries.

39. Or season two.

40. Or any seasons of that show.

41. Because then she starts asking for a lapis lazuli ring.

42. Jane can't have a lapis lazuli ring.

43. Jane cannot have a ship.

44. Because then she pretends to be Captain Jack Sparrow.

45. Jane is not allowed to hide Aro's rubber ducks in the basement.

46. Because Aro is afraid of the basement.

47. Jane cannot dress up as Tweety Bird on Halloween.

48. Jane can't dress up as Domo either.

49. Or Invader Zim.

50. Jane can't touch Marcus' Pillow Pet.

"Thank you Carlisle. We will be sure to add that to the list. Please let Alice know that there are no hard feelings... Yes... Yes... Good bye" Aro said, hanging up. He looked back down to the piece of paper he had not begun writing on yet, when a crash came from outside his office. Caius and Alec came running in.

"Master! It's Jane again. She found a way around the list," Alec explained in a flurry of words. Aro got up and went into the throne room to see Jane throwing Barbie Dolls and Beanie Babies at Marcus.

"Why won't they cry in pain?" Jane screamed in frustration, throwing each one at Marcus, who was hiding behind his pillow pet. Caius handed Alec a pen and he began scribbling at the bottom.

51. Jane cannot go out and shoplift dolls, and throw them at Marcus when they won't scream.

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><p><strong>AN: so this was my first comedy! yay! hit that little blue button down there! ... please?**

**:Dee **


	2. Bella

**A/N: So because of all the good reviews, I decided to write a list for each character, or at least the main ones, along with Fantasy Bloomed. She's an awesome friend of mine & she wrote the whole bottom part. Here's Bella. Enjoy :D**

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><p>51 Things Bella Can't Do:<p>

(Bella is human.)

1. Bella cannot save the world.

2. Because she trips too much.

3. Bella can't have a pet piranha.

4. Because she will trip and fall in the tank.

5. Isabella can not wash Edward's Vanquish.

6. Because it is sacred to him.

7. And she would trip in the soapy water.

8. Bella can't fight.

9. Because she will trip.

10. Bella can't play sports.

11. Because she hurts innocent people.

12. And because she will fall on her face.

13. And also because Emmett will re-die laughing.

14. Bella can't write an autobiography.

15. Because she might get a paper-cut.

16. Bella can't make an army of vampire squirrels and make them attack Alice just because Alice wanted to plan another wedding for Bella.

17. Because then Jasper will make Bella feel terrible and trip her.

18. Isabella cannot go streaking.

19. Because the embarrassment will make her trip.

20. She can't spend the night at Jacob's.

21. Because Edward will trip.

22. Bella can't run with scissors.

23. Do I even have to say why?

24. She can't prank call 911.

25. Because it's illegal.

26. And she would trip when the cops chase her.

27. She would end up in jail.

28. And her parents would trip.

29. Bella can't swim in the ocean.

30. Because she will trip underwater somehow.

31. She can't shuffle.

32. Because that is Rosalie's thing.

33. And Bella would trip.

34. Isabella Marie Swan Soon-to-be-Cullen cannot reject gifts from Edward.

35. Because then the next time she trips, he will not catch her.

36. Bella can't get wasted.

37. Because she trips enough when she's sober.

38. She can't go to a rock concert.

39. Because head-banging will make her dizzy and she will trip.

40. She cannot become a doctor.

41. Because blood makes her faint.

42. Bella cannot play karaoke.

43. Her singing is as graceful as her dancing.

44. She can't go out with Mike.

45. Even as friends.

46. Because Edward will rip him to shreds.

47. And Bella will trip.

48. Bella can't go cliff-diving.

49. Because she will manage to trip in the air.

50. Bella is banned from Hot Topic.

Edward and Emmett were sitting on the couch in the Cullen's house. Edward was drawing. Emmett. Well, Emmett was playing with a Barbie doll.

"Emmett, what the hell are you doing? That's Alice's favorite modeling doll," Edward said with a quick chuckle. Suddenly, Emmett was sticking the doll into the side of his neck.

"She likes you Eddie-kins! She likes you!" he said in a shrill girlie voice.

Edward slapped him.

"Oww. What was that for?" He asked, rubbing his cheek.

"Stop being creepy" Edward said and relaxed against the couch. Suddenly, from upstairs came a loud bang, then a groan. Edward zipped up the stairs like usual, only to find Bella laying on her back by the piano. Also, the leg of the piano was broken. He looked around in shock.

"Bella, what are you doing?" He said, kneeling beside her. She rubbed the side of her head.

"I wanted to try to play the piano..." she admitted softly. He looked at her.

"Then how'd you end up on the floor...?" Edward asked hesitantly.

Behind him, Emmett was laughing.

"Umm... When I went to sit down on the bench... I maybe, sort of, missed the bench..." She sighed.

Suddenly, Emmett fell on the ground laughing.

"And the piano leg?" Edward asked.

"I tried to catch myself..." she admitted again.

Edward was silently laughing at his poor girlfriend. Suddenly, a pen hit the back of the head. Quickly, he grabbed it, and scribbled at the bottom of the "50 things Bella can't do" list.

51. Bella can't play the piano at the risk her butt will miss the bench.

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><p><strong>Like? Review? Please?<strong>

**:Dee**


	3. Alice

**A/N: Hey! It's been a while since I updated this. I don't know if this one is as good as the others, but I hope you like it!**

**Enjoy :D**

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><p>1. Alice Cullen can't buy Victoria's Secret (the whole store).<p>

2. Or the Gucci store or the Coach store.

3. Alice can't buy the entire mall!

4. Alice can't host the Grammy's at their house.

5. Or the Oscars.

6. Or AFV.

7. Alice can't get a cat and name her Bella to make fun of Bella's grace.

8. She can't throw cats at Bella either.

9. Alice cannot screw a light bulb in.

10. Because she's afraid to be electrocuted.

11. She can't swim in the ocean.

12. Because she's afraid of being electrocuted by an electrical eel.

13. She can't tell Jacob's future.

14. Or Nessie's.

15. Alice can't open a store called Forever 18

16. Or Eternally 18 or Perpetually 18

17. Alice can't play Bella Barbie with Bella.

18. Except on holidays.

19. Only because Bella loves her.

20. No making up holidays.

21. Alice has to stop finding loopholes to the rules!

22. Alice cannot wear a cowgirl costume in public.

23. No matter how "in" it is.

24. Because Jasper will not resist- wink, wink.

25. And Emmett will re-re-die laughing.

26. No playing rugby in the house.

27. Alice is banned from Build-A-Bear Workshop.

28. She cannot plan another wedding for Bella.

29. Because Bella will create an army of vampire-squirrels and make them attack Alice.

30. In the unlikely event that Alice could plan another wedding for Bella, she cannot make it over the top and spend millions on it.

31. Alice has to stop telling Bella that she has already seen it as a lavish banquet followed by celebrity appearances at Notre Dame.

32. Alice Cullen is forbidden to steal any more cars without a very good excuse.

33. Ice cream is not a good excuse.

34. Alice can no longer rip any one's head off.

35. Alice can't beat Jacob at cliff-diving.

36. Yes she can!

37. No she can't!

38. Jacob sucks at cliff diving!

39. No he doesn't!

40. Yes he does!

41. The only reason Jacob loses is because Alice cheats with her ancientness and ages of experience.

42. Jacob's a sore loser and just admitted that Alice wins.

43. Jacob is not allowed to stick his tongue out at Alice.

44. Jacob cannot flick Alice off.

45. Jacob smells funny.

46. This list is not about Jacob, it's about Alice.

47. Alice can't write her own list because she goes on random rants with others.

48. Alice cannot fly an airplane.

49. She also can't eat one.

50. Alice can't throw books every time someone tells her she can't do something.

Alice can't throw books every time someone tells her she can't do something.

"But why not?" Alice whined for the 50th time.

"You just can't," Edward said.

Alice threw another book, but Edward dodged and it hit the back of a librarian.

The librarian stomped over and said, "Young lady, I am going to have to ask you to leave right this moment! This is a library, not a playground!"

"Really? I had no idea," she muttered under her breath.

The librarian looked at the rest of the Cullen clan. "Are you with her?"

"No, we found her in the trashca-" Emmett started, but got cut off by a flying book.

The librarian glared at Alice and pointed to the exit.

"But we're working on a list! We just need one more item to-" Bella pleaded.

The librarian snatched the list out of Bella's hands and scrawled something at the bottom.

51. Alice Cullen is not allowed into Forks Public Library.

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><p><strong>AN: Reviews make my day!**

**:Dee**


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